Every day I get up, go to work, come home and watch something mindless until it’s time to take a sleep pill. I’ve lost interest and motivation in anything I used to enjoy. It feels like I’m never going to get that stuff back – I’ve tried. I don’t want to socialize. The only reason I’m still alive is that I don’t want to upset my family.
My therapist and psychiatrist are both aware of the depth of my suicidal thoughts (10-1,000,000 times per day for 10 years), but no one, including me, seems to really know what to do. Medication doesn’t help. Talking about suicide in therapy makes it easier but also has only solidified the idea that I will eventually kill myself – each month that goes by I’m surprised that I made it.
I was seeing an Endocrinologist in conjunction with the Psychiatrist with the thought my thyroid was messed up from some medication. Yesterday, the endocrinologist said that my thyroid level is fine and she thinks I should consider doing ECT. The idea of ECT, all the preparations that go along with it (being out of work, having an emergency contact, wearing the damn hospital gown, thinking of people looking at me while I’m unconsciously having a seizure) are terrifying. I don’t want to do it.
My mind has translated this into if you don’t do ECT, you should kill yourself. I’ve been here before – thinking that the next treatment is the last option, the last hope. If I say decline the last hope, then I’m willingly embracing hopelessness and if all that remains is hopelessness, then I should kill myself. But then there’s the chance of doing that last treatment and it not working, and if that happens, then I should kill myself. There is also the possibility of doing the treatment and it working, but history shows that scenario is very unlikely.
There are days when I walk by the hospital and think, “Should you check yourself in right now? Are you safe out in the world on your own?” Then think of actually being in the hospital – no privacy, taking leave from work, telling people where I am, talking to strangers, endlessly talking, no headphones, restricted autonomy, et. al. No thanks.
Tricky. Tricky times.
*This is a reference to the amazing podcast Professor Blastoff. Listen to this video. It is absurd-funny.
**Sometimes I start writing to Reddit, then decide to put the post here instead. This is one such post. Forgive the redundant background.