Forgive me if this post is a little fuzzy. I’m feeling a little fuzzy, mostly due to the factors in this adventure. Carry on.
The headshrinker warned me that he was very much into meditation, mindfulness, and all that crap.
The appointment went well.
Buddha’s written intake form was pretty extensive and included two anxiety/depression screening questionnaires (PHQ-9 and…one I can’t remember right now.) Either way, they allowed me to answer affirmatively to the suicide question and to give written responses to other symptom questions – writing > speaking.
So we start talking, he does the usual medical and family history stuff. It’s amazing to me that medical professionals don’t believe that no one else in my family has the same issues. I understand what the research says, but I am different.
He asks how frequently I have the suicidal thoughts. I say “every day for the past seven years.” He asks if I have a plan. I say, “yes but…” and struggle to explain how once you have a plan, you don’t ever stop having one. He asks what stops me. I say, “my lovely friends and family.” A few more questions and he moves on to another topic. When writing prescriptions he does mention that the thoughts worry him. But the conversation was much easier than I thought.
We discuss why I didn’t like Skeletor. Buddha doesn’t seem phased when I tell him Skeletor was more like a medication dispensary and didn’t listen to me.
Ultimately, Buddha decides to nix the Wellbutrin, raise the Zoloft to 150mg, add Klonopin for the panic attacks, and start Remeron. I am a pill factory.
The story doesn’t end there.
As such, he decides to teach me a meditation. He says he has taught it to all of his patients and that it works. Geez Louise, I think.
Sidenote: Medical professionals, please, please do not make a person with social anxiety close her eyes when there are only two people in the room. It feels like you are just boring holes of judgment into my chest.
For 15 minutes he goes through the meditation and I am so tense that I begin to get nauseated. Figuratively, every muscle that was tense turns into a rock. It felt like an hour.
Then in the end he wrote down a website where I can download it as a podcast! Why didn’t you do that in the first place!?!?!?
Initial Medication Assessment
The Remeron I took last night. Side effects: sleepiness (yay!), nausea, and headaches. The headache is the same “your brain is in a vice” type that I had on Paxil. Hopefully that will subside. We’ll see if other effects pop up. The increased Zoloft and Klonopin (as well as the start of Wellbutrin tapering) I took about 3 minutes before typing this. Side effects: My fingers aren’t typing with my usual precision, and I feel fuzzy.
Obviously, I’m going to give these a couple weeks before forming an opinion.
PS – thank you to all those commented yesterday (and always), your words gave me encouragement. You are fun and nice.