Teetering…On the Edge…Poised…To Make Too Many Lists

All the feelings I wasn’t feeling the other day hit like a tidal wave around 12:30 yesterday afternoon.

Here were the events that created the wave:

  • I am taking risks with my medications: taking extra Klonopin, skipping the Remeron, playing about with the Zoloft.
  • The pharmacy people were incompetent; my practiced routine was interrupted 3 times – so much error.
  • Thinking that I was getting better I didn’t refill my ulcer medication prescription. Last night, I stupidly ate something with pepperoni and Gloria the Ulcer attacked with a vengeance, so I got almost zero sleep.
  • I have a job interview…and also a seemingly strong lead on another. Both of which are great, but now I worry that I’ll get stuck in that position where I’m juggling interview, job offer, and start date timelines.
    • That exact scenario happened the last time I secured a job. I made my current organization wait nearly a week before committing because I was holding out for my #1 choice.

So anyway, at 12:30, I was at the pharmacy asking and answering too many questions, while a dozen people, patrons and pharmacy workers, were boring holes into me…and I got hit with the “if one more thing happens you are going to start weeping. Get out now.”

That feeling has taken residence.

The irony is that I drafted a post scheduled for today that was about how things were looking ok:

  • My medication cocktail seems to be moving in the right direction.
  • I probably am not going to be in the first round of lay-offs at the company.
  • More things that usually cause me incredible amounts of anxiety seem possible. Still difficult, but possible.

Now, all gone and it’s my fault.

  • I should take all medication as prescribed and remember to refill things on time.
  • I should keep a food journal to track my intake so I can recognize patterns that trigger depression and/or Gloria the Ulcer.

image courtesy of Charles Schulz

The prevailing thought is that I purposefully messed with the medication because I was feeling better.

And I don’t know what normal means. Because I’m afraid to feel better.

Because feeling better means acting normally.

Yet I don’t think I can do it.

And I don’t want to fail.

Because I will fail.

Because I am a failure.

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7 thoughts on “Teetering…On the Edge…Poised…To Make Too Many Lists

  1. Don’t say that you are a failure. Don’t even let those thoughts in your mind. What you are describing is something we all get caught up in the middle of sometimes. We all get off course with our meds at one point or another, I know I do, and then all those other things seem worse than they are. Plus when we aren’t taking your meds right, we don’t feel or act “right”. It is just a dip in the road and you just have to start organizing your meds schedule better and wait for things to smooth out and they will soon. (((hugs)))

  2. Aw! *hugs* We all feel like failures now and again. If it’s not due to forgetting our meds, then it’s not sticking to our diets, or our exercise plans, or getting our therapy homework done..

    I’m sorry to hear your organization is closing! That’s so stressful :/ Secretly I wish mine would, so I didn’t have anxiety about thinking about quitting all the time! I hope it works out well for you in the end, you might end up somewhere you like way better!

    I’ve never thought about keeping an intake journal! I might try that myself. It sounds like a good idea, if a little bit of a pain in the butt!

    Hope your brain has stopped lying to you about your shortcomings by the time you read this! *hugs again* Have a great Thursday!

  3. You know –anxiety-adventures– you have been the catalyst for me to ~~straight up~~ admit and say I feel inadequate and I live with self-contempt and a sense of low self-esteem. I love your forthrightness. I am trying to move forward but the future is scary. I’ve got so many shortcomings and shame that it all seems uncomfortable and what will I do if I take my meds, stop drinking, and think positively — yikes –live like I never have!

    Knock knock is that you — failure at the door? I may have to close the door and stay where I am.

    Sorry for bringing negativity to your blog! XOXO–Daylily

  4. Pingback: Insomnia Issues, Half-Conscious Notes, and Visits to the Buddha « anxiety adventures

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