Yes, I do use shame to try to calm myself down…and then wonder why it doesn’t work.
- I can’t sit still.
- My eyeballs won’t focus
- There are Pop Rocks on my brain.
- Tiny hands are poking my cerebellum.
- My skin is crawling.
- My hearing feels extrasensory.
So here I sit, in my office, telling myself to “Stop. Take a minute. Breathe. There is no reason to be this agitated.”
My brain is trying to blame it on an mountain of work (even though it’s more of a molehill.)
But, in reality, I’m anxious for both the headshrinker and Buddha appointments this week, as well as potentially socializing this weekend.
I’m anxious about how much trouble I’ve had sleeping, leaving my bed, eating properly, exercising…making any healthy lifestyle choices.
I’m anxious about how I don’t feel in control of my thoughts lately and how powerless I feel to fight them. In my mind controlling and fighting thoughts are distinct actions – but are they actually two sides of the same coin?
I’m anxious about fully realizing the extent of my self-induced isolation, and questioning how much isolation was created by me and how my by the anxiety.
I’m anxious about whether the isolation is actually self-induced or whether it’s a reflection of my uselessness in the world.
I’m anxious about whether the previous thought is real because I can’t tell.
I’m anxious about how I spend 90% of my day in silence, how little it bothers me in the moment, but then how crushing the silence becomes when I dwell on it.
I’m anxious about going over the fiscal cliff.
I’m anxious about how this post seems to make little sense, how it makes me look like a crazy person, how it makes me look stupid.
I’m anxious about how people moved into the apartment next to mine, about how much I can hear through the wall, about how much they can hear through the wall. Does my watching 8 episodes of Scrubs every night make me seem stupid?
I’m anxious about my poor concentration, about how I can’t read.
I’m anxious about not studying for the GRE, about how it’s a validated test of intelligence, about how I’ll react when I fail it.
I’m anxious about potentially changing/adding medications.
I’m anxious about making mistakes at work, being found out as a fraud, and disappointing everyone.
I’m anxious about my birthday being in 10 days, about how that solidly puts me in my late 20s, and how I have nothing to show for it.
I’m anxious about my new computer arriving tomorrow, about how that provides no excuse for not being productive in the off hours.
I’m anxious about how this post is nearly 500 words long and I still have a laundry list of items to add…though my agitation has calmed. Success?