“Because it’s stupid. Killing yourself is stupid. It’s not a real solution,” I replied when asked why I haven’t attempted suicide.
This response is not what I expected to come out of my mouth. It surely didn’t come from my conscious mind, since it’s not a thought that I recognize. And it’s left me thinking -
- Is this true?
- Do I believe it?
- Or was I giving the right answer to avoid being labeled as “suicidal with plan AND intent” as opposed to “suicidal with plan and no intent”?
Later, to the same question I answered, “Because I have people. I have people who would be upset.”
This is the real answer. I have people. I understand the effects of suicide on those left behind.
The headshrinker appointment was like no other yesterday. I had the strength to sustain the discussion and give more than one or two word answers, but I was simultaneously terrified of giving away too much information, of telling the complete truth.
As much as I trust the headshrinker to stay even-keeled and to respect my decisions, I know that I easily fit into the “high risk” category and worry about the consequences:
- safety plan
- family involvement
- hospitalization
- Other things I don’t realize
As much as sometimes I might need to be looked after I will not submit to being taken care of.
After the session I wrote a list of all my lies, half-truths, and omissions from the session. Now I’ll spend the week reviewing the list and working up the courage to admit the lies.
Stay tuned for Part 2: a discussion of the lies, and Part 3: on changing psychiatrists…again
Resources that Resonated:
- Columbia Suicide Severity Rating Scale: Since Last Visit
- Columbia Suicide Severity Rating Scale: Lifetime/Recent Version
- Introverts, (gently) rejoice! We found a web series just for you
- Why You Can’t Meditate (I hope they cover – because it makes my negative thoughts loud and scary)
- Looking at Loneliness: Survey Results
- The Greatest Hoodie Ever Made
- Pocket: bookmarking in the cloud. Lifechanging
mm172001
/ December 6, 2012You’re 2nd comment to why you didn’t do it is much like mine. You’re other words about expressing some stuff but also convinently leaving things out is also much like me. I am already identified as “high risk” my case manager even told me, but the more I open up the more she can tell that just because I’m suicidal so often doesn’t mean I need intensive treatment or involvement. When I started I never thought it would be like that, I thought the minute I was honest about suicidal thoughts or self-harm I’d be locked up forever and she’s be on the phone with my parents, hasn’t happened. I’d like to say I’m completely honest and revealing now but I’m not. I’ve come a long way. Hopefully, as you build a relationship you will feel more comfortable saying more of what’s going on.
anxietyadventures
/ December 6, 2012Thank you. I am afraid of “being locked up” but am choosing to trust that it won’t happen.
Nicole
/ December 7, 2012I was also afraid of admitting I was having suicidal thoughts and immediately getting locked up. It’s something you can’t admit to your family/friends, because if they have never experienced them they can’t possibly understand that you have no intent of ACTUALLY doing it. I hope you are able to continue to build a relationship with your therapist and can be honest about your feelings.
anxietyadventures
/ December 10, 2012That is exactly my thought process. Thank you