“Because it’s stupid. Killing yourself is stupid. It’s not a real solution,” I replied when asked why I haven’t attempted suicide.
This response is not what I expected to come out of my mouth. It surely didn’t come from my conscious mind, since it’s not a thought that I recognize. And it’s left me thinking -
- Is this true?
- Do I believe it?
- Or was I giving the right answer to avoid being labeled as “suicidal with plan AND intent” as opposed to “suicidal with plan and no intent”?
Later, to the same question I answered, “Because I have people. I have people who would be upset.”
This is the real answer. I have people. I understand the effects of suicide on those left behind.
The headshrinker appointment was like no other yesterday. I had the strength to sustain the discussion and give more than one or two word answers, but I was simultaneously terrified of giving away too much information, of telling the complete truth.
As much as I trust the headshrinker to stay even-keeled and to respect my decisions, I know that I easily fit into the “high risk” category and worry about the consequences:
- safety plan
- family involvement
- Other things I don’t realize
As much as sometimes I might need to be looked after I will not submit to being taken care of.
After the session I wrote a list of all my lies, half-truths, and omissions from the session. Now I’ll spend the week reviewing the list and working up the courage to admit the lies.
Stay tuned for Part 2: a discussion of the lies, and Part 3: on changing psychiatrists…again
Resources that Resonated:
- Columbia Suicide Severity Rating Scale: Since Last Visit
- Columbia Suicide Severity Rating Scale: Lifetime/Recent Version
- Introverts, (gently) rejoice! We found a web series just for you
- Why You Can’t Meditate (I hope they cover – because it makes my negative thoughts loud and scary)
- Looking at Loneliness: Survey Results
- The Greatest Hoodie Ever Made
- Pocket: bookmarking in the cloud. Lifechanging