Lies & Omissions: Discussing Suicidal Thoughts, Part 2

Feel free to first read Why Haven’t You Done It?”: Discussing Suicidal Thoughts, Part 1 wherein our hero begins discussing suicidal thoughts in real life.

SouthStreet17After returning from last week’s session I wrote out all the lies, half-truths, and omissions in order to use this week to work up the courage to admit said lies.

Lie: “I don’t know why I haven’t crushed up my pills into a fine powder.”
Truth: I don’t crush pills because it’s one step closer to executing the plan.
Crushing the pills into a powder is the last step in the plan before executing. I’m afraid to say that out loud because I don’t know how anyone will react. The fact that I stockpile pills is a red flag. The fact that I have such a detailed plan is a red flag. The fact that I can’t stop thinking about it is a red flag. Too many flags to disclose.

Omission: “I have people…”
Truth: “I have people…but suicide feels inevitable.”
Self-destructive thoughts have been part of my day-to-day for nearly 25% of my lifetime. I have no hope that they’ll ever get better or go away. The only resolution I can see is ultimately succumbing to them. It won’t be today or tomorrow, but some day.

Half-Truth: “I have no timeline.”
Truth: “I have no timeline, but if I were to get a real disease I probably wouldn’t treat it.”
It’s my compromise. Cancer, Diabetes, Ebola, Bird Flu – I can simply allow nature to take its course. This way, it’s not my fault; it’s just an unfortunate, crazy turn of events.

Lies: “No, I don’t believe the following thoughts: ‘You’ve hit every life milestone that you’re going to hit. This is it for you’ and ‘No one needs you anymore. You’re pretty much just a burden on everyone. It’s kind of the perfect time to end it.’”
Truth: I completely believe the above thoughts.

Ocean 4Omissions: Headshrinker: “But you take sleeping pills all the time…” Me: “Yes, Yes, I do.”
Truth: Yes, I take sleeping pills nearly every day: I’m playing, experimenting, waiting for the courage to take the next step…or taking something to stop destructive thoughts and fall asleep.
Mostly, I take sleeping pills because the only thing that will stop the thoughts is unconsciousness.

Half-Truth: Headshrinker: “When was the last time you left the apartment to escape the suicidal thoughts?” Me: “A few months ago.”
Truth: “A few months ago, but for the past few months I’ve stopped leaving the apartment when the thoughts get overwhelming. I’m much more likely to waste time until it’s acceptable to take a pill.”
There are a couple reasons for this: 1. The thoughts have been consistently overwhelming for a while, so I would wind up escaping the apartment almost nightly. 2. Psychiatrist Buddha started prescribing sleeping pills a few months ago, so it’s almost easier to take those than try to calm myself down.

Why bother talking about the thoughts if you’re going to lie?

Warrior Dash 013I’m afraid of what will happen if I’m completely honest. I get a lot of anxiety around uncertainty – I need to prepare for every possible reaction to my words and actions. Because I have no precedent for these conversations everything is uncertain, thus I am anxious.

  • What are possible outcomes?
  • How do suicidal ideation treatment plans work?

Equal to fearing reactions is fear of what is beneath these thoughts. The thoughts are terrifying and I assume that they’re trying to protect me from something. If the protection is terrifying, what will the thoughts be like?

It’s become abundantly clear that my only coping methods are lying, binge eating, and sleeping pills. I don’t feel strong enough to face my suicidal thoughts, especially if I don’t have any effective way to calm down. Meditation is out, since it only makes the thoughts worse.

  • What are other coping strategies? How do you calm yourself?
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8 thoughts on “Lies & Omissions: Discussing Suicidal Thoughts, Part 2

  1. It sounds like lying, binge eating, and sleeping pills just keep you right where you are. Not healing. I suggest you get really honest with your “headshrinker” and go to a psychiatric hospital that has a unit for emotional recovery. You need to explore your fears and thoughts in an environment where you will be safe- like a hospital. You should also be inpatient while they adjust your medications. I also recommend that you find dialectical behavior therapy groups. DBT is effective in helping individuals experiencing suicidal ideation. What if honesty meant the thoughts eventually going away? What if the stuff hidden behind the thoughts turns out to be much less painful than the thoughts? What if you are trying to self-destruct over something that can be healed?

    • Thanks for commenting. I truly appreciate it! The hospital is exactly the consequence I fear most from verbalizing all of this. I feel like going to a hospital rips my last shred of control. My thought process is that if I go to a hospital, then I am free to give up any semblance of wellness I have. Does that make sense?

  2. What if you’re spending your life running away from the monster in the closet. What if you could get honest, confront the monster in a safe environment, like a hospital, and the monster loses its power. Maybe you are trying to self destruct rather than face the monster. What if the monster turns out to be a lot less painful than the self destructive thoughts. Maybe with the right support you could learn to live with the monster and stop running. Your fear of the monster may be worse than the monster himself. Maybe as a child you could not survive the monster. Maybe now you can. But please confront in a safe environment.

  3. How do you calm yourself? First step blogging, if that doesn’t work 2nd step putting earphones in and blasting music that I like that is non-triggering, sometimes step 3 Reading (yes while music is on) or if my concentration/focus isn’t well playing mindless computer games (slingo usually), If that doesn’t work step 4 call someone or talk to someone if available aka venting or distracting. And last resort: Nyquil, Valium, or extra Seroquel, self-medicating to stop or at least delay the madness.

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