Email to friends – insomnia word vomit
I’ve been having a tough spell for the last month or so but it’s really escalating.
It ramped up Friday afternoon when I reacted poorly to a birthday celebration at work. I felt trapped and made everyone feel uncomfortable with my noticeable discomfort. You know you made others uncomfortable when their sentences are “Happy birthday! … Are you OK?” It’s left me extremely embarrassed and anxious about returning to work. I’m going to replay this in my mind for years.
After a weekend of barely leaving my bed and a “sick” day from work today, I mustered the energy this evening to make a video and clean the apartment. I felt reasonably tired afterward and thought I’d try not taking a sleep aid tonight. Here it is 12:20, one panic attack later, and too late to take a pill.
My throat feels like it’s collapsing. I can’t find a comfortable temperature. I’m too agitated to lay in bed, so I’m wrapped in a blanket on the floor. There is no hope of sleep until I can quiet my thoughts and start breathing.
Frankly, I’m overwhelmed. Part of me says if I can get through this then I can leave it behind forever. The other part says to throw in the towel: stop going to the headshrinker, stop taking meds, pretend everything is fine. I know this latter plan is quite flawed but it’s appealing as a quick fix.
Plus, I’m making real life people worry. I’m actively isolating because being around me is kind of the worst. In response to “how can I help?” My thoughts is “Make it go away.” Sure, I want to say “Come talk at me for a while” but that only works to make me feel more guilty.
I don’t know what to do:
- I can’t concentrate.
- My thoughts are overwhelming.
- I’m broken.
Again, sorry for the word vomit. Sleeping pills tomorrow, for certain.
maddsuspicions
/ December 11, 2012Hi, sorry you’re going through this bad spell right now, I hope this ends soon for you! Best wishes
anxietyadventures
/ December 11, 2012Thanks. I appreciate the support
MBC
/ December 11, 2012Sorry for your bad night. December can be a tough month. I’ve felt desperation lately also and it sucks. Hang in there and let time do its magic. These thoughts and feelings do go away. I’ve followed your blog for a while and enjoy it very much. Hope you climb back to level ground soon! MBC
anxietyadventures
/ December 11, 2012Thanks. I hope things get better for you soon, too.
stuartart
/ December 12, 2012You poor thing, what a terrible way to live. Has your therapist given you some idea of what’s behind your anxiety? When did it start? What were your life circumstances at that time? Feel free to take a look at some of the content on my blog – some of it may help, I hope it does. Take care. Stu
anxietyadventures
/ December 12, 2012Thanks. It’s mostly social anxiety and has existed for pretty much my entire life. The depression comes and goes – unfortunately, I’m in the midst of it right now but it will pass. It always does.
stuartart
/ December 12, 2012And that is a great perspective to have on it. Everything passes sooner or later. Always know that you are valuable, special and worthy. Take care.