Email to friends – insomnia word vomit
It ramped up Friday afternoon when I reacted poorly to a birthday celebration at work. I felt trapped and made everyone feel uncomfortable with my noticeable discomfort. You know you made others uncomfortable when their sentences are “Happy birthday! … Are you OK?” It’s left me extremely embarrassed and anxious about returning to work. I’m going to replay this in my mind for years.
After a weekend of barely leaving my bed and a “sick” day from work today, I mustered the energy this evening to make a video and clean the apartment. I felt reasonably tired afterward and thought I’d try not taking a sleep aid tonight. Here it is 12:20, one panic attack later, and too late to take a pill.
My throat feels like it’s collapsing. I can’t find a comfortable temperature. I’m too agitated to lay in bed, so I’m wrapped in a blanket on the floor. There is no hope of sleep until I can quiet my thoughts and start breathing.
Frankly, I’m overwhelmed. Part of me says if I can get through this then I can leave it behind forever. The other part says to throw in the towel: stop going to the headshrinker, stop taking meds, pretend everything is fine. I know this latter plan is quite flawed but it’s appealing as a quick fix.
Plus, I’m making real life people worry. I’m actively isolating because being around me is kind of the worst. In response to “how can I help?” My thoughts is “Make it go away.” Sure, I want to say “Come talk at me for a while” but that only works to make me feel more guilty.
I don’t know what to do:
- I can’t concentrate.
- My thoughts are overwhelming.
- I’m broken.
Again, sorry for the word vomit. Sleeping pills tomorrow, for certain.