A perk of working for a university is that I’m off the week between Christmas and New Year’s. Note: I’m counting today as my first day of vacation since all my anxiety-producing, holiday-related situations are passed.
The greatest dog on Earth and his giant ears.
Downtime is tough for me, as I often fall into the isolation rabbit hole and get kidnapped by anxiety and depression. It’s difficult to predict how I’ll react to downtime -
- Should I try to keep busy and avoid thinking too much?
- Will making plans but failing to keep them cause a shame spiral?
- Will having no plans cause a shame spiral?
- Will no plans keep me relaxed so I feel able to interact with the world?
- Does the answer lie somewhere in between?
Currently, movies are my only actual plan. Today I saw Django Unchained and The Hobbit (in 48 fps); enjoyed the former even though it was about 40 minutes too long and was bored by the latter which is two movies too long.
Up next are Life of Pi (which I was going to skip but am reconsidering after Claudius gave a hearty endorsement), Les Miserables, and Zero Dark Thirty.
My non-concrete plans include:
- writing/editing the musical
- figuring out my concentration problems
- catching up on the six New Yorker issues I haven’t had the concentration to read
- visiting the MET or the MOMA
- taking gnome pictures with my new camera
- getting my sleep issues under control
- studying for the GRE
- creating a realistic diet/exercise plan
Herein lies the trouble, my mind waffles on whether these plans are mandatory, wanted, needed, or time-fillers.
Spinning about my head is the recurring thought that I need to maximize my time off. I need to have fun. I need to be productive. I need to have interesting stories to tell once real-life resumes. I need to recommit to my life and find fulfilling activities. I need to be a functioning, contributing member of society.
Admittedly, these thoughts and the “set” tasks are too ambitious for seven days work. Again, I’m setting myself up to fail, yet I can’t stop it.
Ideally, I would try my best to be productive and then be content with whatever I achieve over the week, or I would focus on one or two items instead of eight.
Realistically, I’ll get anxious about failing to accomplish anything that I won’t actually try, then half-heartedly convince myself that I didn’t try so I didn’t fail. This week will then be added to the list of failures that cement my title of Life Failure.
Stay tuned for updates on how the week progresses.
Things that Resonated:
avaelyn
/ December 27, 2012Wow. I can empathize completely. I had almost a week and a half off, and I had such plans of what I was gonna do. I had to somehow relax yet get the house spotless, be productive, and spend lots with friends and family, do a ton of reading… And the list goes on and on. Then even though I was I’ll and bedridden until two days before Christmas, I am so disappointed in myself. I should have read books instead of watching Netflix and movies. I should have written. It is so hard for us to give ourselves a break. I hope your week goes somewhat as planned, and that you’ll at least have time for some of the stuff you wanna do.
anxietyadventures
/ December 27, 2012Most of the time I wind up bedridden, like you…actually, today I was bedridden. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Hopefully your week is going ok!
drgeraldstein
/ December 27, 2012Although I wouldn’t normally recommend a movie in the situation you describe, one you might want to consider is “The Lives of Others.” It is the 2006 Oscar winner for the Best Foreign Language Film. It tells the story of a very isolated man who is a member of the East German Secret Police before the fall of the Berlin Wall, whose life is transformed by performing surveillance on someone suspected of disloyalty to the state.
anxietyadventures
/ December 27, 2012This has actually been on my list for a while, but I haven’t yet watched it. Now I’ll definitely check it out. Thanks!
MBC
/ December 27, 2012Your list would take me a lot longer to accomplish than one week! I like the play time calculated in. Good luck on your list and no going back to school being more tired then when you left.
anxietyadventures
/ December 27, 2012Thanks! I got one thing done today. We’ll see how the rest of the week goes.
EJ
/ December 28, 2012I really feel for you – but try to hold onto the idea it’s a holiday, so anything you do is a bonus. I know I won’t get everything done from my plan, either.
You can join me on my extra NaNo month if it would help you to have a writing buddy? No word count requirements, no pressure, just someone to run thoughts by if needed…