I have an uncontrollably wicked competitive streak.
These Year in Review posts cause this streak to behave poorly. As I read each excerpt, seeing how many Barclay’s Center performances you sold out or how many film festivals you need, I judge whether my blog is better or worse than yours and then decide whether my stats are acceptable.
As it stands, I find myself in the middle of the pack – the conclusion being that it’s fine for now, but next year I need to win…because I’m a failure if I don’t win.
In my rational mind, I read your blogs because they are interesting and helpful, because I’m invested in your lives, because I want you to succeed.
But there is the other part of me that wants to succeed first.
I’ve touched on this before in Social Anxiety and My First Real Blogging Challenge, where I started to get anxious about writing. That fear was mostly related to your thoughts about me, about my skills and intelligence. This ugly part is my judgmental side. It’s terrible.
By no means is this Mr. Hyde-competitive side only related to blogging, it extends to nearly every activity in which I’ve ever been involved: academics, sports, arts, work, etc.
I constantly create these competitions that ultimately are meaningless, but feel like life-or-death.
“I have to run longer on the treadmill than that person or else I’m a failure.”
“I need to get at least 10 likes on this post or it was stupid to write because I’m stupid.”
“I need to get a 165 on the GRE otherwise I’m stupid.”
“I need to write a screenplay that redefines the genre or it wasn’t worth writing and I’m a failure.”
Because my standards are unreasonably high I fail 99% of the time. The past failures cause paralysis for future endeavors, rendering me bedridden, afraid to start a project because I’m ultimately going to fail. I shouldn’t try because I’m just going to fail.
Beyond recognizing the pattern and admitting that it’s unreasonable, I don’t know how to adjust this competitive streak. Killing it isn’t the goal, as it worked as a positive motivator for many years.
It only got out of hand when I stopped being able to live up to the unreasonable standards; it’s more my failing than the system’s (I know this is irrational but don’t know why.)
So, I’m sorry, WordPress friends for using you as players in this weird game. You are wonderful and great, and I hope this post didn’t mess up your sense of accomplishment. Well done! Great job! Yay 2012!
drgeraldstein
/ December 31, 2012A friend who died this year thought of our entire graduate school class as “journeymen,” with one exception. All of us got Northwestern Ph.Ds, published professional articles, and became university professors or therapists. But he was right — with that one exception, none of us is likely to be remembered in 100 years and not even the man he considered an exception is named Beethoven or Shakespeare. Yet all of us have done some things of value. The point here is that no one has to be motivated to be “the best” in order to do something worthwhile, unless he is a professional athlete. And perhaps one other thing: that some of what is best in life, has nothing to do with winning the race. That particular “best” is what I wish for you and your readers in the New Year.
anxietyadventures
/ December 31, 2012This makes a lot of rational sense. It really does. But the irrational bit of me won’t listen.
I use the Potter Stewart line “I’ll know it when I see it” a lot and success is definitely one of those times. I can’t define what will give me a sense of satisfaction but I’ll know it when I see it.
Thank you and I wish you the best in 2013 as well!
daylily2011
/ December 31, 2012I know what you mean. A blog I like posted their annual stats and I found it interesting. When I located my own stats I felt deflated. I have literally 20,000 less views than this other blog. I can’t help feeling I did something wrong; however I know my goal is to just express myself not make a best seller.
Now, at year end, the time has come… I must ask what your garden knoll means? I find him a tad creepy and sometimes I can’t read your blog because of the knoll. Sorry no offense intended. Maybe if I know what you like about him I will not feel so creeped out. Please don’t take me wrong…I’ve been a follower for months and I think your blog is great!
Daylily
anxietyadventures
/ December 31, 2012I’m so sorry you find Joshua creepy!
Oof.
Ok. I’m going to write a whole post about him…probably right now. He’s actually kind of a major player in my anxiety so I should have written about it sooner.
Yikes! Hope you’re having a great evening!
daylily2011
/ December 31, 2012Please don’t feel bad. I’m just being honest. He has a name — Joshua? I look forward to hearing the story!
MBC
/ December 31, 2012I have lived my entire life being highly competitive. Kill or be killed. I never knew that this was not the way everyone else thinks. It took being diagnosed in 2012 with bipolar and anxiety disorders to find out these were considered unfavorable traits. I will be curious to read on as you work your way through this.
Happy New Year!
anxietyadventures
/ December 31, 2012Thanks – you too!