I posted last week about being off from work, about how downtime is tough for me, about feeling anxious for the week ahead.
I’m happy to report that the break was really good.
- I saw a handful of movies.
- I did a little writing.
- I caught up on most of my neglected New Yorkers
- I created an (unrealistic) exercise plan.
But the real highlights of the vacation are not concrete:
- I can concentrate again.
- I’m comfortable alone.
Concentration is the first thing to leave when my anxiety gets too high or my mood gets too low; it’s also the last thing to return once I stabilize. To me, not being able to concentrate is among the worst effects of crazytimes because it kills all productivity: can’t read, write, watch movies. It figuratively takes away 80% of things I enjoy.
When the white noise subsides and the concentration returns I’m thrilled. The feeling is “Oh right! Life can be enjoyable.”
Instead of sitting in a daze, hating the white noise, hating myself, I feel like a human person, one who has fun hobbies.
I spent all of my vacation alone, but socializing never crossed my mind because I was active: taking photos, watching movies, reading, writing, taking walks.
Then I ponder solitude and isolation, where does one end and the other begin? Guilt and loneliness are major players, but how and when do they start?
Since I feel good I am trying to pay extra attention to those questions. Writing about the guilt is causing it to creep, so there’s one instance. Stay tuned for more.
So Things Are Good, Right?
A light layer of familiar heaviness descended mid-morning. Last night I built the website for the musical and (humble brag) it doesn’t look terrible. I came into work and noticed we have (at last count) 115 people who responded to our casting call. The heaviness came when I felt a twinge of excitement followed by the thought, “You have no one to share this with.”
The thought is strange because
- it’s not true.
- it’s true.
It’s not true because I told a few friends over the Gchat and they were excited.
It’s true because I easily could have stepped into a coworkers’ office and said, “You want to hear something cool?” But just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
- What if they thought it was dumb?
- What if they asked a bunch of questions and it turned into a long conversation?
- What if they ask to see the site and/or the show?
- What if they think I’m only at my current job until this musical thing breaks through?
- What if I’m bothering them?
- What if they don’t want to talk to me?
- What if they don’t like me?
And then I hate myself for failing to socialize with my coworkers who have been nothing but nice and supportive. I hate myself for having these thoughts. I hate myself for knowing and somewhat believing that they are irrational/untrue…but not enough to give me the push to socialize.
So yes, everything’s good…if I can push through this light heaviness…which I will. I will.