It seems that many have trouble using people’s names – a quick Google search reveals that I am not alone in my name anxiety.
Below are a few comments from a thread on SocialPhobiaWorld.com:
- I didn’t feel cool enough to call her that.
- It’s probably because using someone’s name seems to imply you’re on friendly, intimate terms with them and using a nickname seems even more uncomfortably over-familiar. On the other hand have you noticed people sometimes use your name in every sentence, particularly when they’re trying to sell you something and they appear to have no shame about how phoney it sounds?
- I feel like I’m crossing some boundary, that it’s too personal, and that it makes them uncomfortable.
Embarrassment is the main theme that arises in thinking and reading about name anxiety – fear of making a mistake and being humiliated. Familiarity is the second theme – not feeling comfortable enough with people to use their names. Identity is a third theme I’m adding.
Embarrassment
Yogurt Q. Puffensnuff goes by Yogi
I immediately assume that I’ve made a mistake when people use my name.
- I’ve said something wrong and they are exasperated.
- I’ve done something wrong and they are using my name to emphasize a point.
- They are trying to get my attention, as I’ve has drifted.
Myriad possibilities.
I was the kid who never knew what to call adults – Do they prefer first name or last name? What if I get it wrong?
Unfortunately, this quandary persists in adulthood. I’ve taken to not using names unless absolutely necessary. The “What if I get it wrong?” piece figuratively feels like life or death.
This is yet another situation where writing trumps speaking: In writing, your audience is generally a single person and you need not use names at all. If identifying a single person is necessary (as in a group email), then you can simply wait to see how that person self-identifies. Easy.
In college, most of my professors signed emails with their initials. My theory is that they were uncomfortable with both Dr. Lastname and with students using their first names, yet could find no middle ground.
Signing correspondence with initials is extremely appealing; it says “I’m cool and confident” even if it means otherwise. Unfortunately, I have yet to muster the confidence or find the right situation to begin initialing.
Familiarity
Petey’s full name is Peter Jay Pumpernickel
One of the ways to force a connection is to use someone’s name. We’ve all encountered the person who overuses a waiter/waitress’s name – it makes everyone uncomfortable because it’s phoney, falsely familiar, and inauthentic.
Using someone’s name is a privilege, not a right. It’s earned through a sense of familiarity – a sense I lack.
A second dimension to this, one that I’m not sure everyone encounters, is my memory. I remember names and faces. How often do you hear (or say), “Oh, I’m so bad at names.” Are you actually bad at names or are you anxious about using names so you pretend to forget them?
It’s a blow to the self-esteem when you remember everyone and no one remembers you.
Identity
Leslie goes by Colonel.
I’m more shaky on this section; the words are sort of tumbling from my fingers and I’m not sure if they’re real. The whole thing might be nonsense and can be solved by deciding whether you think names have inherent meanings and/or value. What’s the difference between those who choose to go by Bob versus by Rob? Is there a difference and does it matter? Do Bob and Rob automatically have value because they have names?
This part of the anxiety exists because I don’t like my own name and prefer no one use it. Unfortunately, I’m not one to acquire nicknames, so I can’t say, “My name is Percival but I go by Ace.”
By using my own name as infrequently as possible (referring to myself by my last name in speech, not signing my name in written correspondence) I am that much more taken aback when someone uses my name in real life.
For a long time I assumed that the anxiety around my own name related to wanting to go unnoticed, but now I’m questioning whether it’s actually because I don’t think I deserve to be noticed. Perhaps it’s a bit of both.
Never have I been a commanding presence. Never will I be a commanding presence. Countless times I’ve heard, “You’re so quiet I didn’t even know you were there!”
You give something an identity once you name it. You assign it character traits, a backstory, conflict. To give something a name is to give it meaning. Is meaning a right or a privilege? Should it be a right or a privilege? Nonsense.
weordmyndum
/ January 8, 2013Oh my gosh, I never knew other people had this anxiety! I avoid names for fear of getting it wrong too. Growing up in the Deep South, I was taught that adults were always to be addressed by title and last name. I’m an adult now, and that’s not such a strict tradition in New England. Still, I do it.
My therapist in Boston liked to be called Jaine, not Dr. D. That was weird for me. I remember her telling me, ” You can call me Dr. D., but I’ll call you Ms. P.” (Using the full last names; I just don’t want to share them on the internet.) So eventually I learned to call her Jaine.
It’s weirdest for me now with my own age group. I feel like I don’t know them well enough for first names, but lady names are too weird–and I’d be weirded out if they didn’t use my first name. I really like what we do in my kung fu class: everybody is “Mas” + their name (eg, I’m Mas Sara.) It means peer or equal or somesuch. It’s got enough formality but not too much.
anxietyadventures
/ January 8, 2013Exactly! This anxiety is almost worse as an adult because it feels like something I should have grown out of.
The kung fu situation is perfect.
maddsuspicions
/ January 8, 2013Hi, really interesting post. I wrote a post on this a while back as well. I have a lot of trouble using people’s names, even to the extent of family members, and saying “mum or dad”, if there are a few people in the room I just hope the person i’m aiming what i’m saying at understands that it is for them. Quite often I get “was that for me?”. It’s very frustrating but i’ve been aware of it for years. Perhaps it is a mixture of familiarity and maintaining distance from everybody around? All the best
anxietyadventures
/ January 8, 2013I also have trouble even with mom or dad – I usually wind up using nicknames.
abrokenlittlebird
/ January 8, 2013Interesting post here! I sometimes do this, but more the ‘wait, is that actually their name? did I pronounce that correctly?”
anxietyadventures
/ January 8, 2013Agreed – a big part of it is fear around making a mistake and being embarrassed.
abrokenlittlebird
/ January 8, 2013Definitely, isn’t that what a lot of anxiety is though? Blasted thing!
anxietyadventures
/ January 8, 2013You make an excellent point!
Lunch Sketch
/ January 8, 2013Can relate also. In social settings for me it is definitely the fear of making a mistake or being embarrassed … or worse, bring the attention of others to myself.
I blush EASILY also, which makes me doubly anxious of social mistakes. Hate having such an obvious indicator of my insecurities and feelings.
anxietyadventures
/ January 8, 2013Blushing brings so much anxiety! Blushing is such a chicken/egg situation for me – do anxious people blush more or does blushing cause anxiety?
Lunch Sketch
/ January 8, 2013Many times I feel my face beginning to burn (and others noticing the redness), yet in my conscious mind I am thinking ‘Why!?! Why!?! This really isn’t blush worthy’.
Not sure on the answer to the chicken/egg question, but it is a spiral situation for me with both causing the other to be worse once it starts. Is SO bad in meetings with customers at work when I fear I have forgotten someones name.
anxietyadventures
/ January 8, 2013“‘Why!?! Why!?! This really isn’t blush worthy’.”
I do that all the time!
Anonymous
/ January 9, 2013Awesome post, keep up the good work!
Diversity is Art
/ January 9, 2013I have the same problem but I’ll admit that my face blindness makes it worse because I can’t recognize people, I’m terrified of making a mistake and calling someone the wrong name, even on the internet I check someone’s name many times before using it.
I’m scared when I hear my name but okay with my nickname.
There is a cultural difference with names between my country and English speaking countries, we use first names more and have less formality, because of it I feel more alone and weird.
Thanks for writing, I thought I was alone in this.
anxietyadventures
/ January 9, 2013Thanks for commenting. I was surprised how many people feel the same!
anxietyadventures
/ January 9, 2013Thanks for commenting. I was surprised how many people feel the same!
Anonymous
/ April 2, 2013My anxiety towards saying people’s names is horrible. I work as a receptionist at a medical office and when I have to call a new patient to the window I will go out of my way to actually walk up to them in order to avoid saying their name. I also just recently began saying the guy I’ve be seeing’s name while he is around. I get really shaky and my face turns red anytime I use someone’s name. Are there any tactics that could help in the short run? I just don’t feel “important” enough to say a strangers name let alone a nickname.