Note: Not edited – not even a little bit. From my fingers to your eyes.
I’ve reached my terminal life situation, whereas everyone around me is still growing and changing.
Because I’m done and they are continuing to change, I feel disconnected – I feel like a burden on everyone around me. I feel like sharing anything with anyone is ultimately pointless because it won’t change anything – that there’s nothing they can do to help so why bother talking about it.
I’m getting so frustrated going to the headshrinker and not being able to say anything beyond “I don’t know”; sometimes I go blank but sometimes there are a million things I have to say. Sometimes I have an answer but I don’t feel safe saying anything, so words won’t formulate…then I come home and write about it. Terrible system. I’m wasting both of our time. Perhaps I don’t want anyone to find out how lonely/desperate/hopeless I actually am because I can’t anticipate what will happen if I admit it and that’s unacceptable.
But also because my hopelessness is growing, not decreasing. The extent to which I think my life is terminal is at a peak. So where do we go from here? You can’t conjure meaning and I don’t try particularly hard to seek it – I don’t even know if I want to. I might just want to find a nice ice floe and drift along.
Going to the endocrinologist tomorrow at the suggestion of the new psychiatrist – soon enough we’ll find out whether I’m truly and irreparably broken. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve always kept the brain tumor on a back burner partially because I simply don’t want to talk about it and/or acknowledge it, and partially because it’s my out – I can choose not to treat it and use it was my ice floe.
The new psychiatrist asked a fair amount of questions today about future-related things and I have no answers. Can I imagine having a job like I do now for the next 40ish years? Absolutely not. Can I picture anything further than six months into the future? No, I cannot. Because there’s nothing – ultimately nothing is going to change so what’s the point?
Yes, I know that others are going to tell me, “Come on, buddy, everyone has existential angst. You just pick yourself up by your bootstraps and actually engage with the world – it gets better!” But does it? Does it actually get better?
In concrete, less self-pitying news, the new psychiatrist put me on Lamictal. At this moment (decision subject to change), I want to use this as my last ditch med. If this doesn’t work, then I’m going to stop taking medication.
Blerg.
simplybluey
/ January 30, 2013I’ve been at this for a lot of years, I wish I could tell you it will get better, I can’t. I can tell you it and you will change, there will be better times and maybe worse ones. Life is always evolving and in that evolution we change as well. I hope the new med helps, I hope you find a reason to stick around and see what life becomes. I’m here, I care and I’m reading.
anxietyadventures
/ January 31, 2013Thank you – your comment really helped.
I’m feeling slightly better this morning. It’s surprising sometimes what happens when you write before thinking.
simplybluey
/ January 31, 2013I’m glad to read you are feeling a bit better. Yes, it is, but sometimes it is the best way to write. I think, for me, it helps to clear out some of the clutter to make room for more clutter..lol. Anyway, I’ll keep you in my thoughts and I hope things continue to improve. I’m out here if you need an ear.
Daylily
/ January 30, 2013I have suffered with the “I dunno’s” in therapy. It’s no fun to feel so locked up inside — this I know. I’m sorry you feel so low and I hope the endocrinologist comes back with positive news. Hang in there and keep writing because I like your blog and your gnomes.
anxietyadventures
/ January 31, 2013Locked up is exactly how I feel. That is the perfect way to describe it.
Thank you. This really helps!
normalfornorfolkblog
/ January 31, 2013Yes, hang in there my friend! I’m the same as the other commentors and you so I understand where you are coming from. Things have got slightly better over the past 6 to 9 months, but I couldn’t say that it’s because I have suddenly found the point to it all. It’s more likely that I have just become more accepting of the fact that maybe there isn’t one. As simplybluey said “it and you will change”. We all care and we know how you feel. There’s strength in numbers as they say, so let’s all stick together and keep each other going! Big hugs.
anxietyadventures
/ January 31, 2013Thank you – truly. This really helps. I’m feeling slightly better this morning. We all lose perspective sometimes.
normalfornorfolkblog
/ January 31, 2013Glad to hear you are feeling better, but never be afraid to tell people when you’re not feeing so great.
Kennedy
/ February 2, 2013Good to hear you are feeling better too! I can relate to how you feel and all the tests and “dunno” answers. I was there about 25 years ago, jumping around from one diagnosis to the next, taking all kinds of meds as desperation set in too many times, until one day I had been feeling better on a consistent level and quit everything!
So there is hope at the end of the tunnel that may look like a head on collision, instead of plain ol’ sunshine. Keep on moving whether it’s backwards or forwards and you’ll find your own way….
anxietyadventures
/ February 3, 2013Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts!