In the past 36 hours, six vials worth of blood that used to be on the inside of my body is on the outside.
I went to the endocrinologist. She showed a bit of incredulity at the facts that
- I haven’t visited an endocrinologist in over ten years;
- I stopped taking the brain tumor meds without consulting a doctor; and
- I have a rare endocrine disease on each side of my family.
However, she got much less doctor-y condescending when
- I was clearly super anxious and
- I said my psychiatrist suggested these tests.
So after draining more than 10% of the blood from my body, I now must wait to hear about thyroid, cortisol, gastrin, blah, blah, blah, abnormalities.
Don’t I sound so chipper and well-adjusted about this?
Nope! Terrified. She also wants me to get genetic testing done to confirm whether I am irreparably broken, but I can’t do that – it’s too real.
It’s strange because I live under the assumption that I indeed have my dad’s genetic disease. It’s always been my ace-in-the-hole: a passive suicide, if you can call it that. That I can ignore the signs and symptoms and then claim ignorance as they claim me.
“Why did you get all those blood tests then?” you ask.
Because some part of me wants to know whether these stupid broken brain issues can be attributed to wacky body chemistry. Because that might mean it’s not my fault. That doesn’t mean I want to treat it or that I’ll accept the anxiety, et. al.; it means I might not have brought it upon myself – I can blame science.
I was (am) entirely too afraid of the results I wouldn’t get them on my own, so I needed a doctor to explicitly tell me to do it. Does that make sense?
The trickiest part is now – the aftermath. Since I don’t answer the phone, I’m going to sit with an unanswered voicemail from this doctor for days before mustering the courage to listen. What if she asks me to call her back? I simply won’t. So how will I get the results? Tricky.
DeeDee
/ February 1, 2013I totally identify with the “it’s not my fault, it’s my body chemistry” thing. Totally. Oh, and technically, you can’t blame science; it’s what tells you that you can blame genetics.
Having the information from those tests is so empowering, though! Especially the genetic info. It helps you find a better course of treatment much faster and with less side effects. I know it’s scary stuff, I’ve been there. The results of my genetic medication sensitivity testing are encouraging in some ways (less experimentation with meds) but as I put the pieces of the puzzle together, it’s also discouraging in some respects because now I know a lot of drugs will not work for me or will make me sicker than better.
But at least I can avoid them! I am really glad to know this without spending months/years trying drug after drug, getting sick every time, and having no improvement in symptoms.
The worst case scenario is what you already expect/experience, so you already know and seem to have accepted that – so why not see if these tests let you find ways to improve your situation? Do you really want to continue suffering as you currently are? I mean, sometimes, that’s the case – it’s comfortable and not as scary as the idea that you’ll feel good and then it will all get taken away again. I really, truly understand that feeling. I distinctly remember that turning point during my first major depressive episode – I got to the point where I realized, “I’m choosing to suffer and I don’t have to. I hate this and I want it to stop, so I’m willing to take the risk that feeling better also makes me vulnerable to the loss of feeling better. Even though that would really hurt, it can’t get worse than it already is.”
You have to decide that for yourself, and even though you might not believe it, taking steps toward improving things really does make you feel better because you are taking control and allowing yourself a little bit of hope. Even when it’s scary, afterward, I always get a sense of relief.
And I really, really encourage you to listen to that voicemail right away. Letting it sit for days is just going to add to the fear, catastrophizing, rumination, anxiety, and suffering. You don’t need to do that to yourself – keeping yourself in suspense makes mountains out of foothills (these aren’t molehills, I’ll give you that!) and you can avoid that. So unless you’re secretly a masochist, please please please don’t wait and make yourself suffer unnecessarily!
anxietyadventures
/ February 3, 2013Foremost, you are tremendous.
I have a million things to say but am having trouble putting the words together. So just thank you – thank you.
DeeDee
/ February 3, 2013You are welcome, and thanks for the compliment, too! I can sympathize so much and I don’t want you to suffer more than you have to. I need encouragement to face this kind of stuff too. Really, you are not alone in this.
Elizabeth Hein
/ February 1, 2013Enlist help. There is no reson you have to listen to the VM message yourself. I bet you’ll feel less anxious when you know the results. Good luck.
anxietyadventures
/ February 3, 2013Yes, that makes sense. I’m seriously thinking about either listening to it on speaker with someone else in the room, or having someone else listen to it and give me the info.
simplybluey
/ February 1, 2013I’m glad you went for your appointment but I am sorry it was and is so stressful for you. I agree with Elizabeth in that it might be easier letting someone you trust listen or recieve the information from the doctor. Thinking of you and best of luck!
anxietyadventures
/ February 3, 2013Right, I won’t let the VM sit because that makes it so much worse. Ok. Yikes. Thanks for commenting!