I finally started preparing for the GRE (grad school entrance exam)…though studying for less an 90 minutes a week might not count as true preparation.
It started when I was streaming the Superbowl on my computer and had nothing to occupy my hands and brainbox. Studying is going better than expected, mostly because I expected to have a panic attack as soon as I opened the book. Strangely, writing this post about studying is making me more anxious than actually studying.
The thing I need to keep in perspective is:
I’m an employee of the university and they aren’t going to deny me to the program. The results of the exam are ultimately meaningless; it’s just a hoop through which I need to jump.
The things I should try to think (but won’t/can’t) are:
- Doing poorly on the test doesn’t make me a stupid person.
- This is not a validated test of intelligence.
- The more relaxed I am, the better I score on the practice questions.
The recurring thoughts are:
- If you get less than a 165 (out of 170), then you failed.
- If you don’t do well, then you are not a smart person. If you are not a smart person, then you are a stupid person. Stupid people don’t deserve success in any life area.
- If you are proven stupid, then everyone will think less of you. You will think less of yourself (if that’s even possible.)
- If everyone thinks less of you, they will treat you differently and you’ll be more alone.
- If you’re more alone, you’re going to die “alone and [be] found three weeks later half-eaten by an Alsatian.”
The good thing is that I realize this train of thoughts is crazy..and half-believe that it’s crazy…so I can somewhat calm myself down by telling myself those thoughts are crazy. That’s progress, ladies and gentlemen.
Also, sorry I’m behind on reading your posts and answering your comments. You are all fun and nice.