I’m having trouble with words…having trouble generating thoughts and emotions, translating them into words, and verbalizing those words.
This inability to formulate words is not a new phenomenon; it comes with the social anxiety territory: being anxious around people causes my mind to blank.
However, this feels different. For the first time, my normally buzzing brain is silent. It feels like there is simultaneously everything and nothing in my mind. I pause and concentrate on thoughts and emotions, but only get echoes of nothingness. I’m empty.
This is as if I don’t have feelings at all.
The one feeling I can identify is anger at myself for my behavior at the last headshrinker appointment.
For the week between appointments, I was feeling pretty good and I had every intention of saying just that – I was feeling good and maybe the new medication was working. The descent into depression I’d been feeling the past couple weeks had stalled and maybe was even reversing! My suicidal thoughts are exponentially decreased. I even looked at my pill stockpile one morning and thought, “Why do I have this? I don’t need it. Throw it away.“
I sat down in the headshrinker’s office and…nothing. Everything abandoned me. A cloud descended that said, “Sorry! None of those good things were real!” Eventually, I wound up saying, “Sorry. I’m having trouble generating words.” It wasn’t until that sentence escaped that I realize how much it was true; part of the reason I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts was because I wasn’t having any thoughts.
It was downhill from there – just a rush of realizing how much my thought process has changed over the past couple weeks, panicking over whether it’s good or bad, wondering if I can equate it to the medication.
Did you share any of this with the headshrinker?
Last night, when I tried writing out my trouble with words, figuring out how I’m going to describe this to the psychiatrist and headshrinker next week, as well as apologize to the headshrinker for being the absolute worst, I realized that I’ve reached a point where I feel a step behind the headshrinker.
I always need to be ahead or at least one par with people to avoid surprises.
- If I am surprised, then I can’t prepare my reaction.
- If I can’t prepare my reaction, then I might react inappropriately.
- If I react inappropriately, then I’ll be exposed for who I really am: stupid, fraudulent, unlikeable, etc. etc.
But I’ve reached a point where any new information I reveal to the headshrinker is reasonably new to me – things I know about but I haven’t thought through myself, because I can’t reach my own conclusion.
Isn’t that why you go to the headshrinking?
Yes. Ultimately, yes.
This past week, I freeze and am unable to generate words, not only because I’m having trouble generating words but because any productive words I have are too frightening to say.
So I’ll spend the next five days working up the courage to explain this. To admit to feeling behind, to explain the trouble with words, to admit the fear of feeling behind.