There are two main reasons that I’ve been offline for the past week, one much more important than the other: my good friend’s mom unexpectedly passed away and my mom found my blog.
I hate putting those two things in the same sentence.
Regardless, the latter has kept me offline because (as said in my last post) I don’t trust my mom not to read the blog.
Unfortunately, all of this is coinciding with an increase in medication dosage (Lamictal to 150mg) so I’m having trouble discerning which thoughts/feelings can be attributed to which event.
My gut says that I’ve stayed away because of the mom-blog thing, but I’ve also been terrible with email and personal social media so the other events are factors as well.
In an attempt to get back into the blogging game, I’m going to just start writing and see what happens -
You: I just caught up with all your blogs.
Mental State: My mind is really flat and empty.
Sleep: I’m also not sleeping without a sleep aid (but also am getting zero exercise).
Foiled Plans: The grad school program to which I was applying is suspending admission for a year while they “retool” their program. Now I have to find something else because I definitely don’t want to wait a year and don’t necessarily want to enroll in a program that needed to be “retooled.”
Therapy: I’ve been bringing a written list of thoughts to the headshrinker for the past two weeks to avoid having nothing to talk about. Unfortunately, I’ve written exactly zero things so far this week.
Realization: I’m just realizing now that I’ve written nothing in any form this week and writing is my primary means of communication as well as the way I sort my thoughts. Essentially, I’ve cut myself off from the world and from organizing my thoughts. Now I feel stupid for not realizing it.
Guilt: I’m also feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for having suicidal thoughts and impulses. A few times in the past I’ve written about knowing the consequences of suicide on those left behind, but attending a wake/funeral this week has really hammered that home. I hate myself for having these thoughts, listening to them and not being able to control them.
Mindless: Instead of spending my time wisely, I’m filling it with mindlessly watching television and playing games (Cheers and Tetris, specifically.)
Mood: As much as this post has been negative, my mood is stable, even good. This is a weird phenomenon that has existed for about three weeks (and possibly another reason I’ve been avoiding writing) – when I don’t stop to think I feel fine…even good, but the minute I start to consider my thoughts/feelings, things go off the rails. I’m blaming this on the medication.
Ok. That’s it for now.
lala1966
/ March 16, 2013You know, in all of these areas you have written about here, it seems that one very positive thing that has happened is that you have learned more about yourself this week. I am sorry about your friends mother xx
anxietyadventures
/ March 17, 2013Thanks for the comment. You’re right – I have learned some things.
fern
/ March 16, 2013I read between the lines that you are making progress with the “headshrinker” and the new med and perhaps you don’t feel the need to write as often because you are feeling stable. I’m sorry about your friend’s mom — funerals are so hard but I’m glad you were able to go and be there for your friend.
anxietyadventures
/ March 17, 2013That’s a really good point – one that I definitely haven’t considered. Thank you
EJ
/ March 17, 2013I’m sorry to hear about your friend’s mum. Don’t be too hard on yourself though; thoughts and feelings are not the same as decisions. And maybe you needed a break from organising your thoughts.
Perhaps this post can go with you to the ‘headshrinker’?
anxietyadventures
/ March 17, 2013Yes, excellent suggestion. I will bring this to her.